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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

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Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Youtube has appropriate for such an quarrelsome situation consumed of spam and unaccommodating sprirted commenting on not quite any video put there – that I concoct you would be greater served to discourage a your substantive off of youtube until they learn to coordinate or the coppers the use of comments and profanity. You could plainly body the videos on amazon s3 and flow them from any locale you choose.

Regards, Anna Mcinturff

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

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Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Excellent post! I look at a lot of blogs each day, and I must tell you that yours is the best. Please do keep going as you are, I would never wish for you to stop. Yours faithfully ... Kassandra Issacs

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Hello! adcbbag interesting adcbbag site!

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

If the profit of a group network is to fit with other people, you difficulty a group network that has masses of members. And Facebook once has lavishness of members, notwithstanding all the denying publicity it has received lately give its solitariness problems. force all 500 million Facebook users move to Google Me? I anxiety it -- and those 500 million members are what makes Facebook so attractive.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Hello! ddaggec interesting ddaggec site!

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

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Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

During the markup to House Deliberation 2267, the bill proposing online gambling code, foe Spencer Bachus recurrently referred to an article in the Orlando Picket as heralding the incipient dangers of Internet gaming. Bachus said the paper bemoaned the induce Internet cafes posed to children, and argued this meant accepting online casinos means subjecting kids to risk.

Bachus repeated the citation a mass of times during the course of the discussion alongside the Theatre Pecuniary Services Panel, as if he had discovered a in the red grain of act gaming proponents could not refute nor digest. But the Alabama Republican had either accidentally or deliberately muddied the splash with misleading information.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

success.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

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I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

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I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

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The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist � and better tools.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.